Your Longing For Me

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As I read a lot of books on spirituality, I reflect on my daily practices to support and deepen my relationship to the ‘G*d of many names’. One aspect of this relationship is the way I converse, pray and imagine with ‘Godde’ as,’You’. I find that speaking with You makes mutual presence more accessible and my voice clearer. You help me to bring my whole and mature self to our encounters. I come as I am,grateful, tearful, joyful, angry, silent and You are there.

This unfolding recognition of your constant presence – the understanding that I am the one who has been absent previously while You lovingly waited – came to me as an Ah Ha moment recently in my own parenting life.

My son has a busy life. A wife, a nine-year old son, a new babe and a new home. He works hard and struggles to balance it all with any kind of attention to himself. As a result, he is highly distracted these days.

It is his custom to call me fairly regularly to chat about things – usually his things. And if I start down my own conversational path for too long it is clear he is distracted. He makes the calls because he loves me and seeks closeness to me but he enters the calls in ways that don’t fulfill his own yearning – he is not wholly present. It happened again when we were all together recently. Between the children, the pets and the home projects to appreciate, we were really barely present in meaningful ways to each other. As we parted, I felt the stirrings of my own parental longing for be-ing present to each other and the weight of the awareness that our mutual imperfection impedes this. And the knowledge that deep within we hold it all and each other in more authentic and meaningful ways.

As I mulled this over, it hit me squarely in my heart that this must be how it is for You. Suddenly, and feeling pretty dense, I felt the pull of how it is You long for my presence. All at once, I knew that as much as I long for You -You long more perfectly for me. Now, the statements – G*d is always present it is I who am absent; Be still and know that I am G*d; and Life is a dream whose meaning will be revealed when I awaken from life – illuminate with a new luster for me.

The reality of your infinite love penetrates my imperfection and offers me a sense of unconditional compassion and limitless beauty. There are no words to sensibly convey my heart-full gratitude to You. And so, I close my eyes in quiet contemplation and fall ever more deeply into You.

‘The mystery and mercy of Love is that we are its recipients despite our faults and weaknesses’ Kabir Helminski

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