This Again

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Recently, I have found myself in life situations whose scenarios are all too familiar and challenging for me. Those encounters where my spirituality as it graces my presence in the here and now, meets an all to familiar pattern of exchange that pulls me backwards, heels dragging, into that place where I am overwhelmed by my emotions. I see it approaching – rushing toward me -and just as it hits me my heart whispers ‘this again’. These are the moments where I connect powerfully with feeling out of control or simply out of sorts. I cannot reconcile what is happening alone.

In the past, my pattern was to verbally process these kinds of encounters. This invariably led to a kind and supportive person seeing my side of the situation and encouraging me to feel right in my emotional response. Such affirmation about my role in my personal patterns no longer works for me as a balm in the aftermath of these encounters.

Now, I find the ability to hold these moments in kindness and compassion toward myself and the other involved through my contemplative practice. It is in my contemplative prayer that I am able to move deeper, beyond the encounter itself and touch a deeper reality. I sense, and come to know, my emotional responses to patterned scenarios of my life as transient and not real. I know in my heart that what is real is coming from within me not outside of me. And, I begin to see that this is true as well, for the other in these challenging moments.

Slowly, over time, I am less shaken by ‘this again’ and more open, more able to accept and attend to my encounters from a place of kindness and compassion. I am not able to prevent or control patterned scenarios though I am able to not allow or permit them to take root in my mind and heart.

Most important of all, I can actually offer a silent prayer of gratitude for these difficult moments. Could it be that I am slowly beginning to really know in my heart that my imperfection and failures are welcome pieces of what is?

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