Daily Grace

Standard

“ ~ live and respond to grace in the here and now. … Listen closely. … Don’t cultivate someone else’s garden. Grow where you are planted.~” St. Francis de Sales

My inner longing to dive deeper into the mystery of be-ing draws me exponentially deeper toward the essence of be-ing. In the ebb and flow of this labyrinthine experience of living and longing, I begin to understand the mysterious, spiraling interface of my inner and outer lives. I see that I contain myself and empty myself to enter more fully into this mystery.

While I know in my heart that this is the way to inner peace, I still struggle to accept that I can grow in grace by simply be-ing present. My religious upbringing has steeped me well in notions of elaborate rituals and acts of penance as the vehicles for finding grace. Implicit in these things I am required ‘to do’ is the underlying idea that, ‘as I am’, is not enough. Thus, I hold a sense that I must work hard to achieve grace and I disdain and regret my flaws and weaknesses.

Can I just ‘be’? Can I come ‘as I am’? Can I open myself ever wider and fall ever deeper into the Source of all that is? Can I trust that presence? Can I let go more completely? Can I allow for the possibilities?

My heartful , seeker’s response is: YES

Annie Dillard wisely observed, “how we spend our days, is in fact, how we spend our lives”. At times, this pains me. Mostly, at times when I am engaged in what poet Adrienne Rich refers to as, “the kind of woman’s work that is only done to be undone”. Lately, when I catch myself slipping into a martyr’s approach to ‘enduring’ these tasks that ‘must be done’, I pause, and bring my attention to the moment where I am. In that pause, I reflect on the Buddhist notion that most of life is, ‘chopping wood and carrying water’. Then, I am better able to authentically give myself to my tasks and to see more clearly the connection between how I enter my tasks and how I enter my life. Somehow, the sacredness of my life resides deep within my attention and presence in my daily work and effort ~ tending the garden in me and around me.

There is a sacred moment that I appreciate daily. It is a place where I see the sacred through my spouse as he enters a daily task for him, and a daily gift for me – creating a morning latte. Each morning my husband rises first and makes a latte for me that is unpretentiously delivered to my bedside table. This small and beautiful daily gift is a sacred moment for me. Within this gesture from my beloved, I see the mystery and compassion of Love. I see that I am a recipient of this Love despite my flaws and faults. By some grace of Godde, my beloved has an ability to know me in both shadow and light and love me still.

Best of all, this love humbly reveals itself as it unconditionally illuminates the smallest of tasks. As I commune with this small, daily moment, I linger in the fullness of its meaning and grace; I dwell in a prayer like return to gratitude. Knowing in my heart, that the essence of this mystery expands within me through my daily tasks, my life – .

Advertisements

Hold On

Standard

As I move closer to summer’s close and autumn’s arrival, I encounter the bittersweet feelings that permeate transitions in me. My desire for belonging and my longing for the comfort of the familiar stir a kind of restlessness in me. Sure, I know that summer moves into fall and I have lived it (thanks be to God) many times. Yet, I also know that what lies ahead is unknown. I can of course buoy myself with the proof that I’ve transitioned before, and still, I must authentically enter each new transition as what it is – new and unknown – unlike what has come before by its very uniqueness.

And so, I open to receive the unknown gifts and edges of what lies ahead in my life and I hold on to the notion that I am sustained inwardly as I do. I hold on to the infilling source – Love – as my touchstone and my hope. Another way of saying this is that I have faith and hope that in my brokenness, the sacrament of Love will make me whole as it connects me to the infinite source. Rumi speaks of ‘broken open lowliness’ I look inside at the humility. That broken-open lowliness is the Reality.

The truth is that I am human, I am flawed and in both I am most deeply connected to others and our mutual existence. And so, as I live forward into the unknown, I choose Love as my path. I hold on that I may allow Love to act in me, with me and through me every day more fully. This becomes a trust and a sense of patience that things undoubtedly will unfold in ways I was not counting on and still, all will be well and I am sustained as I hold on.

The moment we choose to love we begin to move against domination, against oppression. The moment we choose to love we begin to move towards freedom, to act in ways that liberate ourselves and others. Bell Hooks

Extra-Special Meaning

Standard

I return to sharing my reflections from a summer replete with great joy and much happiness. My own joy and happiness as I completed my training as a spiritual director (I prefer midwife to director a more apt description) and now approach the end of training as a Spiritual Care Chaplain. And my daughter’s amazing strides as a young (15) artist who participated in two art gallery shows while interning with a conservationist artist honing her scientific illustration skills. Plus, my son’s new baby boy who arrived two weeks early and in his splendor reminds us all of the eternal nature of the now. And, my husband’s gardening projects in our yard  while he and my daughter transformed the ‘art space’ they share. His gifts all inconspicuously and quietly unfolding as is his soul’s truest way.

I am overwhelmed by these gifts -all that has been born in and around me – and wrestle with how to open to truly receive it all…. Thus the time out from blogging. The expression that most accurately reflects my current state is that I have taken to kissing the ground in my prayer period. This is the gesture that conveys my very grateful heart.

Meister Eckhart says,“For God to be is to give being, and for us to be is to receive being.” Our true self is a received self. At each moment, we exist to the extent we receive existence from God who is existence. I resonate with this and perceive that at heart ,I am in a very real state of receiving. For me, there is a deep humility that accompanies this. In part, as I ponder my unworthiness owing to my well-known imperfections; and in part, as I feel so tiny in contrast to the greatness of the Creator – my Source. I notice that as I accept that I am unable to reconcile these aspects of my be-ing, I am widened and deepened by simply opening to hold these un-reconcilable pieces. I seek to ground myself in this ‘absolute love’ that seemingly sustains me in everything – the good and the not so good.

It seems the mystery of my faith enables me to ‘be’ and ‘let be’ in ever expanding ways. My faith asks me to honor both what I know and perhaps more, what is unknown to me. From this spot on the revelatory landscape, I am aware that I am growing in my capacity to hold these same paradoxes with others. Indeed, the depth of my simple contributions as a chaplain and spiritual midwife, quietly and gently give everything extra-special meaning.